Goddess Power

I have a son with Asthma.  he is six. His asthma is triggered by allergies.   fresh cut grass, pollens and dust are some of the known triggers.  Anxiety for himself and when my husband is anxious seem to trigger him too.  watching your child struggle to breathe is such a helpless feeling.   he has an inhaler, and he knows how to use it. having your child need chemicals to breathe is not an easy thing to deal with either.  His attacks are not consistent.  it varies.  he can go months without an attack, and then it happens.  we have been  to many doctors, homeopaths and natureopaths.  bio feedback machines, pretty much anything that may help.  it is a struggle for him and us.

I am wishing we stumble upon a miracle cure, a magic fix, or at least some tools to help him control his attacks.  my son loves rodeos and bull sales.  unfortunately dusty places are one of the triggers.  as a parent it is a hard choice, how can I prevent him from doing some of his very favorite things and yet how can I not when it affects his breathing.  when he has an attack after one of these outings, his anxiety makes it worse, because he is worried he will not be able to go ever again.   we went to a rodeo yesterday.  he and his little brother had an amazing day watching the cowboys and cowgirls, playing in a playground  with friends and enjoying the sun and the dust.  by the end of the day he was getting labored.  he did not want to leave.  and us feeling like really bad parents because we  forgot the inhaler.  we did have his allergy medicine, but he did need his inhaler.   we came home, he had a shower and had to have his inhaler at regular intervals.  this morning he wanted to go to the emergency room.  he was feeling better, but if he wants to go, we take him.  we feel it lets him have some control over the situation.   as he was getting ready to walk out the door, he told me the events he wanted to go in when he is 8 at the rodeo.  I smiled and reminded him of some other events that we watched kids in the day before.  oh yeah he said, those too.  then my husband took him to town.  shortly after I got a phone call, they were at Wal Mart.  My six year old was feeling way better and did not want to go to the emergency room.   I think it was mainly the anxiety that there will be no more rodeos in his future.    that would break his heart.  he would rather choose not to breathe than not to enjoy a rodeo.  we do not go to many.  one or two a year and they have to be out door.  we are focusing on figuring out tools for him to handle his asthma rather than let it limit his life, although it will.  he does not get triggered during sports.  he can run or ride his bike all day and he is fine.  I wish I knew exactly what to do for him.  I wish I could wave a magic wand and make it all go away.  this is a huge learning for a ll of us.

then there is that huge fear that he may stop breathing altogether.   when he is sick like this he wants his dad. so, although he was tucked in sleeping the night with his dad to keep an eye on him, I was up a few times in the night to make sure he was breathing.   as aware as I am that being here in this body at this time is completely each individuals choice.  I also know that it is their choice of when they leave.  If my son decides that he is done with this plane of existence and chooses to leave this body, I have no choice but to honour that since there is nothing I can do about it. I am completely scared that he will choose that.  terrified really.  causes me sleepless nights and tears.  yes, I am worrying about something that may or may not happen, but it is the helplessness of the situation for me.  I know that my son is way smarter than I am.  I love the adventure and the wonder that he has brought to our lives.  I am completely selfish and want to keep him around to see him grow up and be amazed at how he chooses to live his life.

for anyone with a child who has illness you know what I am writing about.  those fears that sneak in as you are laying in bed trying to sleep, when you really want to hold that child as tight as you can and not let them go.  the frustrations that you feel that there seems to be no cures, or answers from the doctors.   makes you want to scream and yell because they seem to not understand that your child being able to breath is the most important thing in the whole world and they better pull their head out of their ass and make it happen!  ( this is why my husband takes my son to the emergency room and not me)  the numerous doctor visits that seem to have no results.  the months that go by without an attack and then whamo.  you struggle to remember the exact events hoping that their will be answers as to what triggered him.   I do feel helpless, but not hopeless.  He may grow out of this, their may be new developments to aid him in this illness.  so, I am going to keep searching for answers and call on all my guidance to aid.  harder to do this when I am so completely attached to the outcome, but I will do my best.  I have heard of an asthma doctor not too far away from us, I will track him down and see what happens.  we will continue on our journey to find tools and answers to make his asthma a minor inconvenience and not a major one.   Meanwhile lots of hugs, prayers and enjoying life with my munchkin is on the agenda.  living from a place of love and not fear.  when those fears trickle in, I will remind myself to trust the universe, and be present in this moment, and give and get hugs.